one fucked up beaver half ironman 2014

Triathlon Training Blog, Monday, May 26th, 2014

Far too much work on towards the end of last week and missed a bike session thursday. I could easily not go to this half IM on Saturday. Been let down for two lifts.The one great lift i was offered there’s no way i can make it to Cardiff in time to get on that bus. Finally get away at 3 o clock friday afternoon for the 6 hour trek to Leicester in the van. This is the same van whose value i double everytime i put £30 quids worth of fuel in it.

The drive up was long but uneventful. Little traffic on the bank holiday. Had a couple of detours looking for beers for Ben to no avail and arrived around 830

Heather,Ben, little Ben and Xanthe were all set up in their 6 berth winnebago . What a great hotel. They had waited to eat with me and heather had made a wicked spag Bol. We chatted for a while and i got myself organised for the morning. The back of the van looked like a bring and buy sale. Ben (who is the nicest guy you could ever meet) was clucking around the pair of us like a mother hen. What a legend. He turned up with a full bike service rack ,then a full tool kit and made sure we had everything we needed.Most of which was his.Got everything done then went to bed in the back of the bago. Little Ben (11) and Xanthe (7) asleep in the bunk above. Now, i think They must’ve missed the meeting about going straight to sleep and they were winding heather up a treat. I was almost chuckling. It would be ages before i dropped off anyway and my lower back was killing me , as it always does when i have to drive to an event. Why i always try to get a lift. Heather made it pretty clear what would happen if they didn’t pipe down. No Xbox for a month sealed it.

Actually slept really well and was up at 6, Ben , i think had been up for hours making sure everything was ready. Big bowl of porridge was put in front of me and a mug of tea. Hell, i might even ask this guy out myself.

Went up to register and i was half way down the queue when i went cold. No money to pay for a day license. Oh fuck. I thought how would i find heather now to ask for a fiver in the chaos outside with expensive bits of carbon everywhere,nervous triathletes all over the place. I’ll tough it out,beg if i have to. They never asked for one and i went and racked my bike. Phew and relax.on that score anyway.

Having wheeled the bike up across the cut grass it now looks like its been autograss racing. There are cuttings everywhere. The smart money carried their bikes. I clear the worst off then head back to the bago. My feet are now soaking. I can’t be arsed to walk around to get out of transition so i jump the fence. Except i don’t .its too high for my short little legs and i end up flat on my face. There’s no adequate reaction to this social situation that will save any social poise. A marshall comes over easily unhooks the fence and steps around , not to ask ‘are you ok’ but to ask’ why didn’t you just do the amazingly obvious and simple procedure i just did instead of jumping the fence which you clearly haven’t got long enough legs for’ I thanked him and was on my way.Ahem

Tri suit on.Number belt ,that needs to be done up a bit(lighter than last year) Wetsuit and we are good to go. Heather gets very nervous before the start of these things, Myself on the other hand couldn’t give a tinkers cuss. We stroll down to the start. We are in wave two and the first batch go off at 8 o clock .In a mist of splashing water and noise the cauldron of hissing people that is wave 1 are off. I jump in get bumped straight away and swallow a load of water. It goes down the wrong way and i spend the rest of the warm up trying to cough it out while struggling to breathe. I sound and look like im having a cardiac and must’ve looked quite impressive whatever shade of crimson my face must’ve been.Awesome. 1 minute to go and i jostle to the front.

They’re off. There was a bit of fighting,punching,kicking , the odd eye gouge,bit of biting,clawing ,dunking, drowning ,outright murder but on the whole a normal start. I quickly got in clear water having broken a few noses and pulled a few goggles off undid a few wetsuit zips and undid the velcro on some guys timing chip .Always a show stopper that one . (these things can be like that scene in the james bond film when there is big under water fight scene with 30 of them going for it. Although i didnt see any spear guns or knives i’m sure they were not far away) Got into a rhythm and by the first bouy was in the front 10 per cent of the field. There wasn’t much chance to draft anyone as i was in the front of my little posse. So i swam most of it without help although i was looking all the time to get in someones wake. By the time we reached the turn at half way we had started to catch the back markers in wave one and a bit more concentration was needed. I was happy with my sighting and swimming and was remembering to kick every so often as i weaved through the back markers.

Was now swimming side by side with another guy in my wave and we seemed evenly matched ,although i dropped back to get the best advantage of his wake but towards the end i couldnt hold him and he pulled away. Out of the water and the trudge upto t1 . I was 12 out of the water in my wave and felt like the swim had gone well. The rain they had promised was here, in sheets, for the day. Got out of t1 in 70 secs and now for the bike.

That disc wheel does make a cool noise as you trundle along. Its pissing down and worse than that its cold. Wasn’t going that great on the bike .HR was right but was struggling to get it higher and get the power up to 240 watts which was where i wanted it.My lower back started to ache instantly. I had a mediocre first lap at 17 miles.Average 22.7mph. The road surface was bad ,the rain was bouncing off it and i was just off shivering the whole time. Having said that the course was quite flat with one or two big hill climbs. Something was amiss and i ate a load and drank a load to try to see if dehydration was the problem It may have been .But now i’m pissing like a race horse.Lap 2 i remembered to take my caffeine gels and am feeling slightly better.Although there is an instant lactic build up in my right leg .(maybe residual fatigue coupled with yesterdays drive. Did i mention i was let down for a lift?) The power is up a bit and the bike is going okish.23.2 mph Lap 3 and we are more or less in our slots the race has settled down and you’ve pretty much caught everyone you are going to catch (apart from lapping people) as everyone ahead is the same speed or faster ,had a better swim,were in the first wave. I’m mixing it up with some guy in my wave on the bike and its a healthy competition( he ended up 2nd overall in our age group)Then with 7 miles to go. A veritable disaster strikes. Front wheel puncture. bollox,shit ,fuck ,piss. I thought i had got away with it this race but no. I grind to a halt.

And here the fun really began. Its IM Wales 2013 all over again. I get off the bike get the foam canister . My hands are so cold i can’t undo the tire valve. I looking at it ,looking at my hand and my hand refuses to function in anyway that useful to me in this situation. Doesn’t compute. I take the tri spoke front wheel off to try to twist the wheel around my hand ,bit of extra leverage.My fingers will not physically grip the valve enough.Its now man versus wheel. And i think the wheel gets the last laugh. I throw the wheel in the hedge. Except i didn’t .i’m a little revved up and watch in a stunned disbelief as the wheel(which is now an £800 frisbee) sails majestically over the hedge into the field behind it. There is a pause then all i can hear is my own laughter,Not slap on the back bonhomie laughter but the burnt out cackle of a mad man. Where’s the fucking gate.

If i was in a more balanced frame of mind as i jumped the gate i might have laughed at the scene in front of me. There in the middle of a field in middle england of new potatoes was a carbon fibre tri spoke wheel(with a flat) sitting bolt upright in the mud.With a man in a full aero helmet and trisuit nonchalantly going to retrieve it. If you like a bit of philosophy feel free to discuss the 21st century implications,paradoxes of this scene. I wasn’t in the mood for it. I walk back to the bike. The race has gone. I get the valve undone then try to screw the foam canister on. Clearly the designer hadn’t anticipated having to do this in artic conditions . I am now shivering convulsively. The foam goes in. Seems to be holding i top the tyre up with a co2 canister and i’m rolling. I get half mile. Wheel is flat again. I walk. About a mile into the walk i decide to take my shoes off and run. Not because i want to soldier on and be all tough and macho about this but i am now shivering uncontrollably . So i run with the bike.To preserve what core body temperature i have left.

So i’m running along . i’m in a happy go lucky hysteria sorta mood. How more ridiculous can this situation get. The race is fucked,its pissing down , i’m hypothermic ,i’ve a six mile run to do bare foot wheeling a 5k bike(which is a s much use now as a chocolate kettle.)

A guy pedals past with only one crank arm on . ok thats a little bit more ridiculous. Chimp in a dress on a munki bike next is it? The rain continues. What happens now is…well ….beyond belief. In the gutter at my feet as i look down is another instant puncture foam canister still factory sealed and its a different make to the one i’ve just used.There is a god.
Its surreal,Like a desert mirage,hallucinating now i must be. I reach out and touch it. It is actually there. Dropped by someone who has probably finished by now.Or looked at it and threw it away thinking probably doesnt work anyway. This one doesn’t need screwing on.you push it on and twist so the instructions say. I push it on,i’m holding my breath in anticipation of watching,what will now be the greatest moment of my life,the tire inflating to any sort of pressure. A very heavy pregnant pause i push, i twist and……the can explodes in my face.The foam is everywhere, i mean everywhere but in the tyre. Its on the tyre, around the tyre, its on the carbon rim. its in my eyes ,its in my mouth , my hair is a foam ball my hands are enveloped in foam ,maybe it’ll warm them up with its insulation properties and i’m now soaked and covered in a full can of white foam. Like some demented scene from Sam raimi santa claus b horror movie. I just stay there unmoving. i wipe the foam out of my eyes and stare and stare and stare at the scene that has unfolded in front of me. The canister is still in my hand i am now a foam ball and the rain keeps coming. All rational has gone. This is now completely beyond my comprehension. All metaphysical structure has clearly gone from this corner of Leicestershire maybe the world. There’s no point in trying to make sense of this no matter how hard i struggle with the facts. I drop the canister and slowly walk away, depleted, defeated , a shadow of the man i once was. Life has beaten me today and i am left in a state bordering on wonder and retracted amazment ,completely detached from my surroundings. I am somewhere else floating away,mentally adrift.

What a turn of events eh? You could not make this shit up. Anyway ,there’s still 4 miles to go so i run to t2. Take my time in transition and go run a half marathon on top of the 5 or 6 miles i have already done..Its amazing that in this flat corner of England they have found a ball busting hill so close to t2 to make us run up. The run is 4 times up and down this hill. Mentally i’m gone .there are so many bikes racked ,so many people already running who look at me as if to say ‘We are faster than you with your disc wheel ,your tri spoke and foam ball’ and i want to scream ‘fuck you all, you so have not had the morning i have, i’ll wipe the floor with the lot of you!’ But i don’t i trudge up and down that hill four times ,yes, in the rain. I finish . There’s something i feel at the end of all these events but especially today .Finishing alone with no one to greet you at the finish feels …..lonely i guess , there’s a fleeting moment of emotion that feels a bit like regret but isn’t, tragic is too strong a word. Its almost feels like a sense of loss. I used to feel it a lot crossing the atlantic , every amazing oceanic sunrise, dusk, when the dolphins turned up, witnessing the great whales first hand was amazing but in some way emphasised that there was no one there to share it with, to make it more special,more poignant. For all the joy there was a small tear. Sweet,bitter.

Still, no one was queuing up to share this moment today. I was like a bear with a sore arse.I would say i had a face like thunder but you couldnt see it for the foam. Which will probably give me some fucked up dermatitis for the next 2 weeks. I got my medal, got my bike and fucked off out of there. I Had to get away as if moving away would mask the disappointment , take away the dejection. I spoke to Ben briefly and headed back to the bus. Had a shower and spent the next 45 mins helping Xanthe colour in her snow white colouring in book. It was nice. Heather did very well and got a 4th i couldn’t bare to look at my results. I did this morning. 4 hours 50mins. The guy who i mentioned earlier who i was slightly stronger on the bike than got 2nd (in our age group),but his run was 9 mins faster than mine Although i took a long time in t2. what was the rush? We would’ve gone into t2 together and it would’ve been anybodies race. It was the national champs and i reckon i would’ve got at least third. Half marathon was 1.35 . Swim was 35mins. Which wasn’t what i hoped for, but nobody cracked 30 mins so i was in the mix there. Gutted again. Last two big races turned from results to what ifs.through punctures and mishap. Still thats Triathlon.

Positives. It was a slow course and i had a good swim and run. Power was down on the bike and hr wouldn’t move up. Can only put that down to fatigue.But that contradicts an ok run. It did take a while to get into the bike and i did feel i was going better after the second lap. but still not firing on all 8 cylinders. On reflection it was a good event,road surface was bad in places. the kids triathlon in the afternoon was awesome. I saw that through the rear view mirror as i drove off in a huff giving anyone who looked at me the finger.

Negatives

None that can be helped. Cold,rain and the obvious foam related jovialities. The course was well marshalled and sign posted and everyone was happy despite the weather.The disc wheel felt ok despite the conditions.

i would probably do it again .Only major drawback is the 6 hr drive