the last call. See you all out there

Triathlon Training Blog, Friday, October 9th, 2015

Well gel flasks are full. bike is ready. 2 new tubs with Stans and a spare prestretched. All the pills and potions locked in. Transition bags packed. Weather report checked. Its going to be hot , there’s a surprise but the wind ‘seems’ manageable. Legs are shaved
Now we just sit here and wait doing nothing waiting to rack the bike at 230 pm. This is what we do.

The introspection begun weeks ago now it threatens to over whelm. Its along way home tomorrow down ,what will feel at times, like the loneliest road you will know(q david coverdale ) Pembrokeshire and all the friends and family there feels like its another planet away. May as well be on the moon. Fear , has to be controlled. We’ve done this many times ,is this time different? It is under very different conditions. A battle of will. Keep pouring the food and fluid in you will keep going.

Fear of failure. I feel like a condemned man. like i want to run away and never look back

Sometimes it consumes me, sometimes i think i can take it or leave it, sometimes!

Did i mention i’m still not sure i can run? Potentially a major stumbling block that one. Gone 2 years injury free. Ha. This left calf isnt right. Or is in my head that isnt. (rhetorical question that one ,but thanks all the same)

Waiting. Just fucking sit there. tick tick tock, listen , time passes every second an eternity traveling at warp speed. The hour is almost upon us ,inevitable

Thoughts race slowly through your head then repeat. On a constant loop. It must feel like this going to war, into battle. You run through your life ,mostly the fuck ups, (many) The women who have come and gone ,(again, many). The ones no longer here . Who can no longer hold you and tell you everything will be alright. The few who can take the uncertainty away. you miss them all .The feelings are genuine. Almost like facing your own mortality. Desperation .
You take a good look at yourself the mistakes you have made (wait for it….many) Regrets ? Ive had a few, too numerous to mention. Soon this thought process will be made to stop.Please forgive me if i act a little strange.

Time to man up put the game face on ,brush these thoughts aside. Put on the mask . I wear it well . the front? Is it a front or is that the real me? only when i am racing i feel i am showing the world my true identity ?! Not the day to day me ,the one who makes all the mistakes. The me that when people meet they wonder how i can tie my own laces without supervision?!

Me , the ironman , the solo atlantic sailor. Sometimes i feel ‘dismissed’ ‘irrelevant’ and not worth considering.By a world i dont understand and as a consequence it doesnt understand me. I am not a bad person. I spend alot of time completely confused and mired by in decision for fear of getting it so wrong. Easier not to make a decision which ,most of the time ,is making a decision indirectly . People get hurt that way, me included. It was never my intention.

fear , does it drive us all?

Tomorrow all that will be stripped away. In a kind of freedom.A freedom trapped in the IM cage. but a choice? maybe! To self express and be understood. By those who understand even for the briefest of moments what drives us. The unspoken word, Just a nod that says nothing and everything, everything.A connection. rarely made . Just a second remembered for ever. Or are we running away…both?
Pain endured , fellow IM will know others can try to comprehend . For one day and in the few weeks that follow(assuming i finish,maybe even if i dont) it will feel like acceptance from my peers. Then the race memories will fade in others, constantly relived, which ever way it goes , in my turbulent, sometimes troubled mind.
In the end we all just want to belong. Not a tribe of one. not alone. I’m struggling too. No one wants to get caught in the cross fire

ive always felt like an outsider and still do. I suspect now the majority of that comes from me or does it ? Ha

Meet me on the other side (David Gray) springs to mind

I could teach Thom Yorke and James Bradfield a thing or two about morose today

Anyway, enough of that. Yesterday went out and did an hour on the bike. Smashed it .Holding power outputs i’ve not seen since i got here. Admittedly it was 20 degrees f cooler and as carbo loading has begun (still doing it by necking my body weight in fruit juice) was fully hydrated. The morning swim 1 mile went okish. I think sometimes that even after all this training sessions sometimes dont come easy.

Wednesday. Rest Day (JFST) Just fucking sit there. Did exactly nothing all day. Although i have caught up on the all 7 series of ‘the walking dead’Reasonably appropriate considering how the run went yesterday

Tuesday
Registered in the morning with Rob.
The run in the afternoon was horrific. Pulled up after 40 mins. just under 10k .Left calf again. Major fucking problem that one as apparently theres a marathon to do on saturday as well. ( the prospect of walking it appeals even less)from despair to where? the dye is cast.
Stopping in this heat is worse than carrying on. You loose the cooling effect of the air as u move through it. I struggle to get home . sweat is running down my arms and legs, dizzy , sit down for a second walk a bit further, get home. cold shower. Stretch the calf .fuck

Monday

Pool swim 1 mile.Took aled to the airport to sort the hire cars out. I couldnt get one till later from town. Aled got a Mustang. It was very amusing.He gave me a lift home. In the afternoon headed out on the bike for an hour got bogged down doing intervals with 2 guys on the queen k which was kinda what i was looking for. they werent thrilled.

Sunday
JFST

So the conversation most of this week has been about

DON’T YOU FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE BEEN CONNED???!!!

We went to the iron man banquet last night and needed an extra ticket. $55 . We managed to get in ‘as they had stopped serving food’ for free. As luck would have it they hadnt stopped and we stuffed our faces for free.

So IM kona is ,well it may as well be in a desert. Featureless landscape on a road that is easy to close as not even car drivers want to use it. the other side of the island is much better . NO imagination has been used on either the bike or run course. It was moved here to this island probably for practical /cost reasons . The run is featureless too out on the bike course basically. Yeah there’s been a lot of good races here amongst the pros . Who come out here months before and get used to the heat but most of them as soon as they drop out of the money on race day they drop out. The course is awful basically. Hawaii is amazingly expensive and you feel like you have been financially raped everytime u step out the door. Everything is extra out here . You have already paid £650 to enter . 50 per cent more than most other IM races and double most IM distance races but still have to pay extra for the swim on saturday and $55 dollars for an extra seat at the ‘banquet’ cafe!!

Having said that IM donate just under 1 half a percent of their profit to charity .

Do it once unless you have unlimited access to lots of money.or u think u are in with a shout of winning something

you keep kicking a dog one of two things will happen. 1)It’ll bite you and you will be the only one surprised.
2)It’ll roll over and die

Which type of dog are we?