Too long a cat to be messed about by kittens

Triathlon Training Blog, Sunday, November 4th, 2018

European Half champs Ibiza

Hated Ibiza from the second i stepped off the plane and could not shift that feeling. Luckily i was here for the week .

Every time i do these gbr age group things i swear i wont do another. Not a quick learner. I hate them.

Still after Barca i had to try to salvage something from the season. Even if it is a third tier event against the wombles and Mr Spoon.

You cannot park in Ibiza. Anywhere. The nearest parking space is in the airport, in Bristol . These things are always disorganised and run solely for the benefit of the British triathlon staff to have a jolly.

I went to the swim recce , spoke to one of the GBR ‘athletes’ who blanked me. This tied in with every preconceived ideal i brought with me to the race. Nothing changed. So with one sweeping stroke i tarred them all with the same brush . Spoke to no one again . Branded them all as a collective.’ Wankers. Was the word that had the best fit.

Rational and reasonable of me….yep!

So anyway. The bike has taken a knock and off i go to queue…..queue to see the gbr mechanic. I waited. Then some other GBR prick pushes in and asks for some tape to mend his 5 euro pair of flip flops. Clearly he feels this is an appropriate use of the only GBR mechanics time whilst people are queuing out the door. Not only does he feel it is an excellent use of this particular resource he clearly also feels he has priority over everything and everyone else. Instead of telling this particular brand of arse hole to fuck off the gbr mechanic humours him and puts 10 euros worth of gaffer tape on the 5 euro pair of flip flops. All makes perfect sense to me!?? With me so far? I looked on. Absolutely nothing at all to say. Nothing. What  is there?

To say i wasn’t in the best frame of mind for this race is like saying the surface of the sun is a bit warm or its a bit chilly on the dark side of the moon.


Guess what fuckers?! Its fucking raining on race day. The roads cant take it and the raw sewage is bubbling its way majestically down the sand towards the sea.

I fucking hate halfs when they start at 1.30 pm . Its a long wait and what do you do?

Another ETU event another mindless rule enforced. I went to check my bike in at 9am . hey  ‘Gringo’ No can do says Pedro as he keeps a watchful eye on the goats he is herding. Being a ‘race official ‘ is just a side line.  . You need to have your GBR tri suit on to rack your bike. Yep, you heard it here first. You need to have your race suit on to rack your bike 5 hours before the start! WTF for? And he aint budging. The rhythm as he moves the piece of straw he is chewing from one corner of his mouth to the other  is as unflinching as the blank, empty, nothingness thousand yard stare he is wearing. So i have to trudge all the way back to the hotel to get it. WHY WHY WHY?

Anyway it got better and better

I think i can safely say that in the planning of this event no one, NO ONE  said what do we do if it rains. At any stage.

Is this the first time it has ever rained in Ibiza ? They must’ve known the bike course would flood. Here’s a heads up dick weeds. How about …suggestion one. Designing a course around the roads that can drain after nearly 10 mins rain !

Suggestion 2 . Dont start the fucking race at 130 when it gets dark at 6. As it leaves you no room for delays.

Suggestion 3 . Its nearly November theres an excellent chance it could rain . Hold the event somewhere else entirely.


I was fucking made up when they delayed the start till 3 and cut the bike in half. If its safe for one lap its safe for 2 . (it wasn’t safe at all as it turns out but i’m going to conveniently gloss over that as it doesn’t suit my argument)


Knowing who my opposition was. Guess what? Good swimmers, better runners. Cutting the bike in half was just the exact opposite of things going to plan.

The swim was long as well.

I went back to the hotel and seriously gave some thought to fucking it off and hitting the bar. This, as it turns out , would’ve been the better choice by far.

Whilst i was there, however i rather ill advisedly put loads of inflammatory comments on the organisers face book page. One comment might have said something about ‘should be put up against a wall and shot!’

This caught  a few peoples attention , one particular german (ironic) competitor ,although he wasnt alone took this literally . Do they still do that sort of thing in Germany/ maybe the eastern side?! I did think of replying but figured it best to fade back to anonymity and slunk back to the shadows.


Probably be cited now by the ETU for inciting racial hatred .

Rack your bags . Wait on the beach with a few hundred other people, who you now abjectly loath, up to your ankles in human sewage.

Flag goes up, flag goes down .

Swim swim swim Around some other none descriptive island smaller than the shit box you started on. Had a good swim again for me. Averaging 1.31 per hundred.

Here is where the fun really really did begin.

Into t1 grab your blue bike bag. All i’ve got to do is take my helmet out of it shoes are the bike.


Sounds easy don’t it?

Gets a bit tricky when someone has pulled the draw chord tight and tied the granny knot of all granny knots so you cant open the bag an inch.

Pretty sure i didn’t leave it like that. Ah . its so…..relaxing this racing lark. Anyway the bags are made of canvas so even in my  rage i cant rip it open. No way you are going to untie it. Bite it like a dog playing with a stick. Nope. Neither can the marshall. Off he goes to get a knife . Do we really need to take a knife into t1? What should’ve taken 2 mins takes 6. Did i mention they had shortened the bike?

I really really should have cut my losses here. But i’m a long way from happy unless ive really got something to moan about. The more the fucking better.

The design of the bike course is a shambles as well. Surprising no?! Just as you get up to speed there’s  a speed bump. Very sensible to slow the traffic down unless the roads are closed and its a race. There must’ve been 20 or more. One every mile.  The down hills were treacherous because of the rain and at the turn i crashed again. I spent the rest of the bike off the tri bars …again. Fore arm hadn’t recovered from Barca and i’d just ripped it open again.


36 thousand speed bumps later i’m off the bike and into t2 . Bag unscathed. Into the tent out of the tent.

Not a quick learner, boarding on being a retard, i skipped out for the run. Full of bon hemie for my fellow man.skip pa de do day skip pa de day my oh my what a wonderful day. Is anyone recognising a theme here? Perhaps a pattern slowly emerging , taking shape?



I did go out with the intention of racing the run and i did until i saw how far i was behind . I stopped and walked for a bit then and thought about quitting. Can i really be arsed to put myself through this to be an also ran?

Resentfully i plodded on . I got a time check after 7 k i was 5th apparently . Told them i’d had enough of this event. All these people etc ,so on and so forth.

Anyway plodded on and just like Barcelona started to feel good after the first half of the run. third 5 k 20 mins, final 5 k pulling a few back 21 mins. Finished in 6th place . Got my medal and threw it in the harbour after telling the finish line photographer to fuck off of course.

That was the reward for my efforts. Blood was positively streaming out my trainer when i finished. Felt it going at 5 k

Back in blighty to a better class of wanker who understands he is being insulted.

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