Wednesday night tt 8/7/15
Triathlon Training Blog, Wednesday, July 15th, 2015Wednesday night tt
8/7/15
Was in two minds whether to go to this one . A 10 at redberth but got saddled up and rode down.Never know if I am feeling good about these or not until about 2 miles in to the race
I was a bit nervous as I thought my ex gf might be there and its an added complication .Still has to be faced. The tt seemed quite quiet still I was nervous in case she turned up. I signed in at 10 and went for a warm up. I saw her car as I rode around.
Rode back to the signing in area to drop my stuff off .didn’t see her and rode down to the start with Will. There she was unpacking her bike with her associates . She gave quite an effusive hello which I assumed was meant for Will. I didn’t respond. As the last time she ‘spoke’ well we never really talked at all as she couldn’t quite manage oral communication it was always via a lengthy text. Looking back on it it now seems a ridiculous way to conduct yourself .The only form of communication, Any way the last essay she wrote me was only designed to emotionally maim and cripple and then she started slagging off my mother. Normal. Now I don’t mind getting a bollocking if I have fucked up which I had but to continually take from someone who has done no wrong is hard .I haven’t met an angel or a saint yet . You get drawn in to text wars and its destructive. The saying is ‘don’t go rolling around with the pigs. As you end up smelling of shit and the pig quite likes it’
You could argue that the only mistake I had made was I had asked all the individuals involved on a singular basis to commit to the relationship they said no. What I should have done is finished it there and then but I didn’t I continued hoping for a better tomorrow and there was ….significant overlap between the relationships. The ex actually continued making decisions that pushed us further apart for the duration of that one. When it broke down she treated me as badly as I had treated her. That made us even. We had both behaved badly not that she would ever admit any wrong doing. Which was part of the problem during the course of our entire relationship. I often wonder when people tell u where u are going wrong what they must be thinking. As from where I was standing her life wasn’t going any better than mine, worse in a lot of respects. So whose the one who shouldn’t be giving advice?
Vitriolic was her favourite word with regards to me .She used it like a possession . a triumph. Like it was her word only to be used with reference to me. After hearing it a couple of dozen times I looked up what it meant. Just another weaponised word in her arsenal designed and used to maim and cripple. Lashing out. Which ,to a degree was understandable.
Now , one of the problems here is a womans fundamental lack of understanding of men. I had three women on the go. I had asked two of them when I was seeing just them to take the relationship further to commit I wanted more of just them. They both said no. The third one was as crazy as a shithouse rat and never got asked. Now . If any man has 3 good looking women turning up at his door who have pretty much rejected him already but they keep coming he isn’t going to turn them away. If he says he will he’s a liar or he’s queer. its not certain types of men its all men who aren’t in a committed relationship . I tried to be in a committed relationship they said no. Always in their time no compromise. It doesn’t work like that.
Th e Ex spent an awful lot of time trying to convince me I had mental health problems and she very nearly broke me. She chose to do this during one European and one world championship. At times I thought she was revelling in it. The only time she talked to me face to face about how she felt was when she had one over on me. Admittedly I had hurt her too.But hers was with intent. Theres the subtle difference. I did behave badly yes but its like having an argument with a german about the second world war. You can argue who did what to who and when but ultimately you are going to end up with the retort ‘well you fucking started it’ I asked her to commit not only did she say no she continued to move ,quite literally further away. The relationship was over from that point on.
The loaded gun. Now one thing she did very well when we were together was habitually hurt my feelings. On 2 or 3 occasions I actually told her if she made a certain decision which she didn’t have to make it would hurt me before she made it. She did it anyway. Most of the time she was blissfully unaware that she was riding roughshod over my feelings. This is the loaded gun scenario. If you accidentally shoot someone in the face . Is saying sorry I didn’t know the gun was loaded going to make any difference to the person you have just shot? No. So if you continually hurt someone through a complete lack of thought or consideration for them does it matter,is it an excuse that the indent wasn’t there ?As the end result is the same. In some ways its worse. Repeat often and see where the relationship goes. Of course none of this applies to her as she has never put a foot wrong.
‘You need to spend some time on your own’
Sick of this one! Do I? Do I really? You don’t even know what you need so why you think you have a handle on what anyone else needs beggars belief. That may work for you. Reality check. Everyone is different. Ever considered your way may not be someone elses?
Here’s a newsflash . I don’t like spending time alone. It isn’t a humans natural state. We are social animals. If I don’t like something I try to avoid it. I don’t give it a go to make myself like it. I don’t like being set on fire either and I don’t routinely dowse myself in petrol and light up a cigarette of an evening until I get used to it, I’m pretty sure that will never happen. I’ve got loads of character thanks. Don’t need any more.
Time alone. I’ve had plenty thanks. I sailed single handed across the atlantic I spend 100 no thousands of hours a year alone , swimming,cycling and running. I can think plenty while I’m doing that. What I don’t need is to come home to meet my partner and then still feel alone. That’s what I don’t need.
Anyway the Ex in question and the one who never got asked are now best mates on facebook and ganged up on me with the sole purpose of trying to fuck me up they almost succeeded. Not normal.
I’m not making excuses for my behaviour I deserved what I got but I’m not the only one whose been a shit in this little exercise but I am the only one who sees it.Which makes me better off. At least someone learned something
‘
Opinions are like arseholes. Everyone has got one.
So to summarize. I didn’t respond to her hello as it mustve been meant for Will. I’ll leave her slagging off my mum for another time.
Rhys Jordan,Chris Dixon, heather Dennis,Justine Somers and Anwen henshaw kept me going throughout all this and I’ll never forget their kindness
The tt itself well, it went ok. I wasn’t happy about it but average power was 300 watts which was the same as last time I did one. which was where the disappointment lay. I held 320 watts at times but the second lap it all fell apart. 23.20 something. Was good enough for 5th. Hmmmn. Rode home a little dejected . Roscoe backed up his long course with a good ride. Back to the drawing board for me.
